Sunday, May 4, 2008

My Problems With Underwear

I either have really, really bad luck with underwear or they just don't make reasonable underthings these days.

My frustration is mainly focused on bras but I've had some bad experience with panties as well. There is a special place in hell for whomever invented the underwire. They should be soaked in a tub of chum overnight and dangled in shark infested waters! First, they are about as comfortable as wrapping barbed wire around your delicate parts and getting run over by a steamroller. And that's if they fit right. Then, the instant that they are washed or worn more than once, the wire starts to nudge it's way through the fabric until it pops through a hole and starts to jab me in either my cleavage or my boob fat under my arm. I keep pushing the wire back in but it keeps popping out and stabbing me. And I imagine that one day I will lean over without thinking and the wire will shoot straight into my heart. They will have no choice but to list my death as "death by ill-fitting bra". And then Dateline will run a special about the dangers of underwire bras. And they will expose the real secret Victoria is keeping; that she's a masochistic bitch. What if I had fake boobs and that wire got lodged inside an implant and I sprung a leak? I'd be walking around trying to keep the salt water from spraying in my eyes as my boob slowly deflated like a water balloon.

And if you are lucky enough to escape the death by underwire, you could be humiliated to death when one of your bras squeaks non-stop. This is even worse than the squeaky shoe. We've all had one; a squeaky shoe. You wear it thinking that nobody will ever notice because it's always noisy where you go but instead you end up walking down a quiet hallway with someone behind you listening as you step, squeak, step, squeak. And you're so paranoid you start walking funny in your shoes as to avoid stepping in the place where it squeaks the most but this just makes you walk funny cause you're now walking on the outside of your shoe like some kind of a gimp and that just makes you look even more ridiculous. Bras are worse. I keep forgetting which bras squeak and I put them on oblivious to the fact that later that day I will be a walking squeak toy. Every step I take, every turn I make...more squeaking. You know how some women are known for their flawless skin or their incredible style or great perfume? I am known for my squeaky bras. "Here comes Licha, I can't see her yet but I can hear a faint squeak in the distance which means she's about to round the corner any second, pulling at her underwire and walking on the outside of one shoe."

If I'm lucky enough to get a bra that doesn't squeak or that doesn't poke me to death, I get excited. But it never lasts long because as soon as that puppy comes out of the wash cycle I notice that the metal hooks on the back are so twisted and contorted that I have to fix them with a pair of pliers and even then one clamp always digs into my back and draws blood as soon as I sit back against anything. *rolls eyes*

The panties are a whole different issue but not much better. How is it that we can make a stretchable substance (i.e. bungee cord) that can withstand the weight of an adult but they can't find anything to put in the waistband of underwear that won't unravel! I had a string the other day that dangled on the side of my leg. It was tickling me so I pulled it and it just kept ripping and pulling until I could feel it pinch my inner thigh and wrap around the front. I kept going until finally, 10 hours later, I gave up and cut it with a pair of nail clippers. But then that whole side of my panties was all flimsy and it kept flapping around and ending up in my butt crack. ARGH! Why can't I just find some damned underwear that fits right and doesn't fall apart? You would think that in these technologically advanced times we would be able to find alternative undergarment protection! I mean come on....we can build suits that allow us to travel in space or dive hundreds of feet underwater but we can't make a pair of underpants that won't ride up the ass? Am I asking too much?

Maybe it's time I started going commando! Be warned; however, if I am standing next to you and I turn too quickly, I am not responsible for slapping you across the face with my boobs.

19 comments:

  1. Ha Ha.
    I am having a problem with a new bra. It's all squeaky. I googled my dilemma and came across your blog. I read this post and it actually made me laugh out loud ! Your so funny. I'm off to read your other post and have a little giggle.

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  2. Honestly! I found myself nodding through this entire blog!

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  3. I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

    Sorry for offtopic

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  4. I found your blog while trying to find a solution for a squeaky bra that fits great and was fairly expensive. I thought I'd find some tip like soaking the bra in olive oil or spraying it with WD40. Maybe something more practical like using fabric softener. I know I'm easily annoyed, but squeaking every time I move? Shoot me now.

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  5. There has been a recent invention..a sort of clip that prevents under wires escaping. If i find a link Ill post it.

    I find my own bra squeaks when it doesnt quite fit properly. It only takes a small incorrect fitting and it squeaks and squeaks...like the bra is groaning under the weight of my breasts!

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  6. I so aggree to everything you say here! I googled a squeaking bra as i have that prob right now and praying that i am the only one that can hear it as i move around at work!! I did find a great solution for the squeaky shoe - Vaseline find the area that is squeaking and rub vaseline on it. Am gonna see if i can somehow try vaseline on my bra? so wish me luck???

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  7. Hilarious, you've made my day! Maybe you can manufacture your own line of undergarments. Instead of Victoria's secret, name them Licha's unconcealed...underwear for the rest of us.

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  8. I found one cure for a squeaky underwire. I cut a slit near, but not at, one end of the wire, removed the wire, and sanded it with a piece of sandpaper or emery board. Then returned it to its proper place, tucking the end in the little pocket that was left at the end of the wire pocket. It seems to be smooth rubbing on smooth that makes the sound. This may possibly shorten the life of the garment, but at least I can wear it.

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  9. Same problem! I fear the dog is following me around waiting for the right moment to bite at my chest like squeak toy!

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  10. I for one enjoyed your blog. Licha, you are very funny! I too was surfing the web to find a solution to the squeaking bra dilemna and found your blog.
    I was having a bad bra day but am glad to see that I am not alone in the dilemma. :)
    Squeaking bras are the least of my problems but laughter is good medicine. Thank you for providing it.

    Kim in CA (kimhess777@yahoo.com)

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  11. I just purchased a bra which was the exact same as my current ones. First one I bought I couldn't even get into, so I dragged myself back and had them do a fitting, they said I was in the correct size so I just bought a new one (still same size and style) and I put it on and its sqeaking! It seems as though there is a undergament conspiracy.

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  12. I really needed the laugh out loud, eye tearing, laughing so hard I cried, that your blog about the squeaky bra gave us both. Googled squeaky bra and your posts came up. My daughter and I still don't know exactly how to stop the squeak but now we know that we are not alone!

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  13. Just another female searching for a squeaky bra solution, thanks for the laughs and letting me know I'm not alone!

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  14. ok, hold on. listen to this underwire story. I'm standing talkin to my friend. Not moving, just leaning against the wall. And all of a sudden I feel something poking me in the chin. I look down and it's my $*((@*@@ underwire! How the hell did that happen?

    I grabbed the damn thing and pulled it right out of the cup and threw it into the trash. My friend said...."was that what I think it was?"

    Darn it! Ok, so here's another underwire complaint. I forgot that one underwire is out of the left side and not the right. I throw the thing in the wash. Next time I put it on....I lopsided. I know you've had that happen! But, I'm in such a hurry because I've overslept that digging through my panty drawer for a clean bra is not top priority! I go around lopsided all day. I guess I need to do a posting on this too. Good one!

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  15. Ok, out in cyberspace looking for the squeak cure & found this blog. I enjoyed it so much! Thank you. I even laughed hysterically over one of the comments (about the dog biting the squeaky toy).
    I am losing weight. And as I go down I am finding that my bra size is still the same, but my favorite bra finally have up the ghost. It is discontinued, so I found one similar, even got a two for one deal! The catch is one of the bras, same size, same style, same material, different color, SQUEAKS LOUDLY!
    I the it on in a rush to get out the door and spent the entire night embarrassed. No cure yet, but feels great to complain to women who get .

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  16. wow i didnt know so many ladies have the same exact problem as me. i found the source of the squeaking by pressing different areas of my bra while wearing it; it comes from the outer sides of the bra. i have to admit these are walmart bras. and as i do recall my old victorias secret bras and even fredericks of hollywood did not squeak. i guess its true what one blogger just said, "you get what you pay for." but i mean really, who has time to go up or want to fool around with going to the mall when you can pick up one while your at walmart/target..etc. or the money either with a good bra. i dont currently have 50 or so dollars to drop on on one good fitting bra. i also am extremely hard to fit, so after countless weeks of searching for "the" bra.. i give up because im so frustrated... so thats where i become inclined and sucked into buying a halfway ok bra for now type of thing. but alas, that "for now type of bra" always becomes the bra from here on out, somehow. i think i just might try cutting an incision close to the wire, sanding it down and sewing the hole i made back up. as someone else blogged about. i loved yoir blog!! i normally dont read what the blog author haz to say, just whatever info i needed when i "surfed on in." but it was great! it was hilarious, it made me LOL, and i tell you what i needed one today. great job!!!!!!!!!!

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  17. @Sandie -- This problem also happens in the $65 bras! I have 2 of them that continuously squeak! I have tried spraying hairspray on the squeaky area just prior to wearing --- which seems to help for about 3 hours. Then, wouldn't you know it... I bend or move and I hear that all too familiar "SQUEAK"!! This is very frustrating, as these bras were expensive, fit very nicely and wear really well. ANYONE out there have an answer? Should we try the WD-40??

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  18. I too have the squeaky bra dilemma! I thought it was maybe that I was wearing Walmart bras but now that I am buying much more expensive dept. Store bras (and even online at Soma) I STILL have this problem! I have even been professionally fitted because I thought maybe I was wearing the wrong size, however, I was indeed wearing the right size!
    My sister and my friend girls think I'm crazy. Lol they have never had this problem... I mean do I have overly weighted boobs or something?!?!?!! Lol. I need HELP!!!!!
    Loved this blog though... And I find it a bit comforting that I'm not completely insane and others have this problem as well... I thought it was just me! :)

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